I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
