life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Randomize
