i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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