I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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