Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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