I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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