Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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