Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
