I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
