Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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