The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
