im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
