Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
