Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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