The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
