felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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