Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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