The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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