So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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