I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
