Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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