Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
