Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
