there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
