Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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