Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
