Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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