I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
