Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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