Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
smell my finger.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
