Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dicks are not precious.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
