I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You need a sexual gate keeper
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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