I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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