He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
