life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
