Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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