I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
