You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
