planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
