My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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