I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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