In the future we'll all be gay
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
