i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
