i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
