When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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