Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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