I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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