Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
