Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
