Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
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