Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
