Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
