I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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