Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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