i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
