I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
