I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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