But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Someone signed my nipple.
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