The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
BRING THE BAGELS
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
