new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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