weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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