just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
